Every parent knows that caring for children can get hectic — and quick. For all the beautiful memories you make with your little ones, there are bound to be a few tantrums and power struggles along the way. As your baby or toddler matures, they'll learn how to regulate their emotions and assert independence. The result? Almost all children eventually push boundaries to figure out what kinds of behaviors align with social norms, and which will get them into trouble. While this process represents a necessary stage of healthy development, it can be bumpy, frustrating, and sometimes a little embarrassing for parents.
Fortunately, there are strategies available to help you navigate tricky situations and make those temper tantrums as manageable as possible — whatever your child’s personality type. So next time you find yourself struggling to handle a meltdown in the middle of a public space, take a few deep breaths and remember the following need-to-know tips!
Tackling tantrums
Tantrums are easy to identify. Typically seen in children aged between one and three years old, these outbursts often involve kicking, screaming, wailing, crying, hitting, and jumping. Tantrums can occur for all sorts of reasons, including:
- Hunger
- Fatigue
- Jealousy
- Discomfort
- Frustration
- Communication difficulties
- Environmental triggers and unfamiliar situations
- Disappointment
In other words, tantrums happen when a young child faces various kinds of adversity. While it may feel like your child is just doing this to antagonize you, tantrums are a common way that toddlers convey negative emotions. After all, it’s tricky for some toddlers to describe or recognize their feelings, especially as they’re still developing their communication skills.
While it’s important to recognize your child’s developmental needs, you don’t have to put up with screaming matches after refusing to give your toddler their favorite candy. You’re in charge and responsible for teaching your child how to interact with the world around them. Here are a few tips for minimizing tantrums and maintaining a (relatively) calm household:
1. Don’t assert too much authority over your child’s life
As a parent, you ensure your toddler is safe, happy, and healthy. However, this doesn’t mean you have to take full control of their lives. For example, asking them what kind of food they would like for breakfast or what movie they would like to watch will give them a sense of autonomy and reduce the likelihood of tantrums. In the long term, this approach could also boost your child’s confidence when they’re alone in the wider world.
2. Stay calm
It’s easy to get frustrated when your child is in the middle of a meltdown — especially if you’re in a public place with people watching. However, responding with anger could intensify the situation and leave you feeling even more overwhelmed. Remember to take a few long, deep breaths and steady your voice before responding to your toddler. Kneel down to their level and validate your child’s feelings with phrases like “I know you’re upset because you can’t have a new toy,” or “It’s been a long and tiring day for all of us,” and reassure them that everything will be okay. This approach will ensure your child feels respected and secure, potentially helping to defuse the tantrum.
3. Learn the art of distraction
One of the best things about young children is that they’re quick to forgive and forget. Rather than focus on the reason for the tantrum, try to distract them with a new object or activity. For example, if your child is pining for an expensive new toy, talk about an upcoming playdate with their best friend or the prospect of making cookies together when you get home. Similarly, if your child is upset by a new environment, take them to a more familiar space to calm down and regulate their emotions.
4. Reward your child for good behavior
Toddlers respond well to positive reinforcement. For example, if your child makes it through the day without whining or moaning, praising their good behavior and offering specific reassurance about what they’ve done well could prevent further tantrums. If your child has been especially helpful or calm, you could even consider giving them a small treat to boost their self-esteem and motivate them to continue behaving positively.
5. Reduce exposure to triggers
Sometimes, objects or situations can spark tantrums. If you’ve told a child they can’t play with their older sibling’s toy, for example, they may scream and cry whenever the toy comes into their field of vision. Rather than battle these tantrums every day, reduce your younger child’s exposure to the object in question to improve family dynamics and maintain the peace.
6. Don’t put your child in too many uncomfortable situations
Toddlers and young children get tired and hungry quicker than adults. While you may want to tick another errand off your list, consider whether you must drag your child to the grocery store or pick up a batch of dry cleaning. If your child is already hungry and tired, consider rearranging your schedule and settling in for an early night. Every toddler has their limits!
7. Be consistent
Young children seek structure and consistency to help them understand the world and behave appropriately. If you allow them to engage in a certain behavior on one day and punish them for repeating the behavior on another day, they’ll probably feel confused and frustrated. In the long term, they may start to view your rules as arbitrary and inconsequential. Writing down clear boundaries and expectations can help reduce this from happening. Some parents find it helpful to stick a list of simple rules on the fridge or wall, pointing them out when their children misbehave.
8. Use time-outs
Time-outs represent an effective strategy for managing tantrums and encouraging your child to learn from their mistakes, especially if they’re prone to aggression. Create a designated space free from distractions for your child to calm down and reflect on their anger. During a time-out, make sure your child sits still and don’t leave them alone for long periods. Effective time-outs tend to be short and should only be used sparingly. Frequently resorting to time-outs could make your child feel victimized, leading to greater resistance and resentment.
9. Don’t blame yourself
It’s easy for parents to blame themselves when things don’t go to plan. Recognize that dealing with tantrums is an inevitable part of parenting and can be super draining. If your child is going through a particularly tantrum-filled phase, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family for support. Taking a break could help you regain the strength you need to continue parenting effectively and maintain a close bond with your little one. If things are especially stressful, treat yourself to a relaxing self-care spa day, if possible! You’ll thank yourself in the long run.
10. Understand when to seek professional help
While tantrums are a totally normal part of every child’s development, some situations may require professional help, including:
- Long and intense tantrums: If your child’s tantrums disrupt your life and pose a safety risk to themselves or others, it’s time to seek professional guidance to avoid a serious situation.
- Concerns about your child’s development: If your child doesn’t seem to be developing the linguistic, emotional, or social skills typical for their age, a professional evaluation will help identify any potential health issues. Catching problems early can help your child thrive as they grow up.
- Tantrums that disrupt daily life: If your child’s tantrums interfere with activities such as attending school, playing with friends, or completing simple tasks like brushing their teeth, you may need extra support.
- Parental distress: If your little one’s tantrums are causing significant distress or anxiety, you don’t have to suffer in silence. A professional can help manage challenging behavior while providing the strategies and mental resilience you need to cope.
Enlisting the help of a professional does not mean you have failed as a parent. Rather, it demonstrates that you’re committed to your child's well-being and care about providing the best start in life.
What is a power struggle, and how can you defuse the situation?
So, what should you do when tantrums turn into a struggle for dominance? Power struggles occur when toddlers attempt to gain the upper hand in conflicts with their parents. These tense struggles often represent the climax of a tantrum and can be tricky to resolve. Here are a few tips to help you get through a stalemate:
1. Choose your battles
If you’re accustomed to long and frustrating power struggles, it’s easy to lose perspective of the situation. Before you refuse a child’s request point blank, consider making a concession from time to time. Would it really be such a bad thing if you spent a little extra on your child’s favorite fruit juice? Sometimes, providing your child with a little treat will strengthen your bond and give them the confidence they need to behave well.
2. Understand that you’re unlikely to win
When a parent and child enter a power struggle, it’s unlikely either party will concede. Plus, lengthy power struggles can waste time and cause undue stress. If you start to show desperation, your child may increase their resistance and refuse to learn any lessons from their behavior. So, the next step is to figure out how to negotiate a stalemate…
3. Allow your child’s anger to peter out
Even a stubborn child will eventually get bored of their anger and frustration. If you can’t resolve an issue, consider leaving it alone (if safe and possible) and return to the problem later. Similarly, you could allow your child to experience the consequences of poor decisions. Say, for example, you’re at a restaurant, and your child wants to order a meal containing ingredients you know they don’t like. Allowing them to face the consequences will teach them that winning power struggles isn’t always worth it. On the other hand, you may discover that your child actually enjoys the meal and they’re more adventurous than you imagined — a win-win!
4. Introduce negative consequences for poor behavior
Sometimes, taking away certain privileges is the best way to demonstrate that drawn-out tantrums are unacceptable. Say, for example, your child refuses to put their shoes on. Rather than force the shoes on their feet, say something along the lines of: “If you don’t put your shoes on now, you can’t watch your favorite TV program this afternoon.” If your child remains defiant, stick by your promises and don’t give in to further tantrums. While this strategy will require strength on your part, it could pay dividends in the long term.
The bottom line? Things will get better!
If you’re experiencing the so-called “terrible twos”, we know things probably feel a little tough right now. The good news is that the vast majority of children grow out of tantrums as their language and social skills develop, relieving parents of stressful power struggles (at least until the teenage years arrive!). Until then, there are plenty of techniques you can use to mitigate the effects of tantrums on you, your child, and your family. Remember to experiment with different strategies and forgive yourself when things go a little wrong — it happens to the best of us.
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